Finally, I am revealing my dynamite openers. You, too, can now be as awesome as I am.

1. The Broken Glass Opener

My technical term for this kind of opener is a Directly-Indirect-40-Degree-Angle-Retro-Opener, because it forces the girls to open you instead of the reverse. I was out at a bar, drinking with a friend. Suddenly, 2 girls sit down at the table next to us. A few minutes later, my friend raises his glass for a toast to … whatever. I then proceed literally to smash my glass against his, and the bottom breaks, soaking my pants with Mojito. The result: we get the 2 girls’ attention. They turn towards us and ask us what this toast was for. The next logical step is, of course, to say that the toast was to her, and to explain that you’ve started taking steroids recently and have trouble adjusting. This is dynamite, highly recommended.

P.S. My initial intent wasn’t to break the glass. Note that I did not successfully close this girl. When that happens, I highly recommend that you blame the wingman.

2. The Stare-at-Her-Like-a-Perv-then-GTFO Opener

Finally, an opener that resulted in some closes (which is a good thing, because I had no wingman to blame.) This opener consists in staring like a perv at the girl, preferably at close range. Staring like a perv is an art I developed by spending countless hours and hundreds of dollars at strip clubs. However, someone with even the most basic perv-staring skills can pull this off as well. The first time I tried it was at a club. I did the perv-staring for about 15 seconds at very close range (talking range) then left without saying a word. A few minutes later, as I was chatting with a friend, I felt a dancing ass rubbing against me. It was her. Now, this only resulted in a phone number close that led nowhere, because I’m horrible at phone game.

The second time I tried it was in the metro. Same thing. Staring without saying a word for maybe 10 seconds, then looking away. I was standing, holding the pole. She came closer to me, and literally put herself in front of me, facing me, at really close range. I immediately understood it was on, so I just looked at her, we held eye contact, smiled, and then I reached in for a kiss. Now, this girl was possibly the horniest female creature I’ve ever met, so results may vary. Note that this is non-verbal push-and-pull, and the pull part is important. If you never ever pull, different things might happen.

3. The Porn Audition Opener

As some of you know, some time ago I contemplated the idea of starting a hardcore porn business (until I remembered that I’m not a millionaire.) I went so far as to do some actress recruiting, and got to do some “interviews.” One of those interviews went approximately like this:

Me: Alright, now you don’t have to do this, but may I see your body ? Her: You mean … you want me to undress ? Me: Yes. Her: Sure. (She undresses) Me: Turn around. (She turns around) Me: Alright, you can put your clothes back on. (She dresses up)

2 minutes later she’s taking off my shoes, rubbing my feet, taking off my shirt, giving me a massage …

Me: So … where are you going with this ? (I is smart.)

Her: I dunno … I’m checking you out to see if I want you or not.

Me: You mean … for money ? Or pleasure ? (I is very smart.)

Her: Pleasure. Me: Let’s do it.

Again, the pull part here is important (“Please put your clothes back on.”) In her mind, it’s the difference between the pervie who is just faking porn auditions to get laid, and the professional who’s seen so many naked porn actresses he just doesn’t care anymore. Highly recommended.

P.S. I never hired that woman … or any other woman.

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