In almost every session of one-on-one coaching, I give (and in hundreds of emails I receive every day) one concern stands out more than any other: “I always find myself ‘locking up’ in the presence of an attractive woman. How do I do this, face-to-face?”
Carlos Xuma: This is what I call the “Real-Time” problem. When I was first learning these skills, I’d go through a massive amount of preparation, memorizing a bunch of phrases and stuff. I’d finally get past my approach anxiety and start talking with a woman. But as soon as I got the conversation started
WHAM. I’d get nervous and couldn’t remember any of the stuff I’d memorized. I’d wonder, Do I say that thing about “who lies more?” Do I tease her? What was that great teasing line I thought of the other day
I mean, I thought I knew it cold when I left the house, but I lost it somewhere along the way. So I’d stand there like a deer in the headlights, with no idea what to say.
Maybe you have the same problem. You thought you were prepared after reading all my advice and tips, but now you’re sitting in that uncomfortable silence while she stares at you, waiting for SOMETHING to come out of your mouth. Finally, she says, “Uh, I gotta get back to my friends.” And as she’s walking away, and you’re kicking yourself, you suddenly come up with the PERFECT thing you should have said.
Ever had that happened to you?
Well, let’s conquer this problem once and for all.
ENTER THE “SITUATIONAL REHEARSAL
Here’s a technique to make sure you’re prepared to USE all the cool stuff you have memorized.
*** CAUTION: I’m not suggesting you memorize and rehearse someone else’s words! You should ONLY be using your own TRUE material when talking with women. No fake stories or lying. You don’t need to make stuff up to be interesting to women. ***
You see, I learned that just sitting at home reading this stuff on my computer wasn’t enough. I had to practice it out loud. But even that was not enough, so I tried something a little off-the-wall, and it worked like a charm!
So here’s my technique for NOT “losing it” in front of a woman
I’m assuming that you’ve already walked up and said “Hi,” or used some other opener to get the conversation started. I’ve taught you plenty of methods for that in these newsletters. And, as you know, it’s not what you open with that’s important, but what you say NEXT that will make the difference.
Here’s what you do first
STEP 1: CREATE YOUR OWN BRIDGE
A conversational bridge is a way of bringing up a topic towards which you want to steer the conversation.
Suppose you want to talk about your passions and interests. Just as an example, let’s say your passion is photography. There are a few ways you could bring it up in conversation. For instance:
“You know, I was just thinking that you would make a fantastic photographic subject. Have you ever thought about doing a sitting?” (Note that I did NOT use any corny lines about “you should be a model.”)
You could also bring it up without focusing on her:
“I was out scouting locations for some photos today. The light here is really fantastic for bringing out skin tones and eye color. Isn’t it great?” (I don’t have time to cover it here, but showing this kind of “vision” of the world is VERY attractive to women.)
Okay, so now we’ve got a couple ways to bring up our interests in conversation without bragging, AND, at the same time, to communicate to a woman that you’ve got a hobby in your life that brings out your passion. You want to be able to come up with this when you’re out. You need to have it ready all the time, like a loaded gun, but you find yourself constantly forgetting it when the pressure is on.
Here’s your next step
STEP 2: ENGAGE YOUR MODALITIES
Modalities are simply your senses. Sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch.
The more of your senses you use, the more quickly things are embedded in your mind.
So before you go out, you want to spend some time actually writing these words down, whether they’re the questions you want to ask or just a list of topics you want to bring up in conversation. This will engage your “kinesthetic” modality.
Then you want to spend some time saying the words out loud. This will help you rehearse and present things smoothly, and it also engages your “auditory” modality.
After that, you want to spend some time reviewing things on paper. Read and re-read the information you want to commit to memory. This will engage your “visual” modality.
But even this is not enough for most of us. You need ONE last simple step to make this work, and it’s something that not many guys know about—a special method that increases your results by about 1000%.
You need to
STEP 3: USE THE “SITUATIONAL REHEARSAL” TECHNIQUE
Back when I was in high school, I had a good method for learning material I needed for tests. I would cram all my notes on a piece of paper, writing stuff everywhere and in every direction: in the margins, sideways, whatever.
Then, when it came time to study for a test, I would just sit down with the page, cover up sections with my hand, and try to recall the information.
Perhaps you did this, too, but what you might not realize is that you weren’t learning the information so much as you were learning WHERE that information was on the paper. You got locked into recalling the information based on WHERE it was, not WHAT it was, so when you received information that you couldn’t see on a piece of paper, you would soon forget it.
That’s right, it wasn’t the information you were learning so much as the LOCATION of that information. It’s called a “spatial relationship,” and it’s how your mind stores information. To take another example, if you close your eyes, chances are you can recall where almost everything is in your bedroom, or any other room with which you are familiar. So it’s important to give a RELATIONSHIP to the information to make it stick.
So here’s how you use this “Situational Rehearsal” technique, based on the way your brain really learns.
In my previous example, you came up with a great way to talk about your passion, photography. And you came up with a great way to SAY it to a woman. You may even have some of my “Power Questions (TM)” that you want to memorize.
Now you have to practice recalling these things in MANY different locations, and in many different situations. For instance:
– Recall and recite when you’re in the shower.
– Recall and recite when you’re driving in the car.
– Recall and recite when you’re watching a television show, as if you’re saying it to the people on the screen.
– Call your home voice mail and recite it back as a message. (This one is great. It will put you “on the spot” AND it will give you a chance to review how you said it. You can do this with your cell phone voice mail, too.)
But if you REALLY want to improve your inner and outer game of conversation, here’s a KILLER bonus technique:
– Put on a Bluetooth headset (or any cell phone earpiece, so it looks like you’re talking on your phone.) Then, go out and recite what you’re memorizing in public, on a city street or in a store. Other people will just assume you’re talking to someone on your cell phone. This method will help you get over your fear of looking foolish in front of others, AND it gives you a killer rehearsal for saying it in front of a woman. You’ll get your shyness out of the way, and you’ll build confidence in the process.
(I used to do this all the time, and make up some pretty crazy conversations to see if I could get people around me to listen. “He hit the cop with a baseball bat??? No WAY!” Try it sometime
it’s better than prank phone calls.)
By using my technique, you activate millions of more neurons in your brain, which commits the words DEEP into your memory. Then this helps you pull out the words when you really need to, and you won’t have any of those embarrassing gaps and silences in your conversations with women
But to make it work, you must put yourself in as many different situations as possible wherein you try to recall the information you’re memorizing. The more situations you find where you can rehearse, the better you’ll be when it counts—in front of a woman.