How to Talk to Women Without Losing It

In almost every session of one-on-one coaching, I give (and in hundreds of emails I receive every day) one concern stands out more than any other: “I always find myself ‘locking up’ in the presence of an attractive woman. How do I do this, face-to-face?”

Carlos Xuma: This is what I call the “Real-Time” problem. When I was first learning these skills, I’d go through a massive amount of preparation, memorizing a bunch of phrases and stuff. I’d finally get past my approach anxiety and start talking with a woman. But as soon as I got the conversation started
WHAM. I’d get nervous and couldn’t remember any of the stuff I’d memorized. I’d wonder, Do I say that thing about “who lies more?” Do I tease her? What was that great teasing line I thought of the other day
? Uhm

I mean, I thought I knew it cold when I left the house, but I lost it somewhere along the way. So I’d stand there like a deer in the headlights, with no idea what to say.

Maybe you have the same problem. You thought you were prepared after reading all my advice and tips, but now you’re sitting in that uncomfortable silence while she stares at you, waiting for SOMETHING to come out of your mouth. Finally, she says, “Uh, I gotta get back to my friends.” And as she’s walking away, and you’re kicking yourself, you suddenly come up with the PERFECT thing you should have said.

Ever had that happened to you?

Well, let’s conquer this problem once and for all.


Here’s a technique to make sure you’re prepared to USE all the cool stuff you have memorized.

*** CAUTION: I’m not suggesting you memorize and rehearse someone else’s words! You should ONLY be using your own TRUE material when talking with women. No fake stories or lying. You don’t need to make stuff up to be interesting to women. ***

You see, I learned that just sitting at home reading this stuff on my computer wasn’t enough. I had to practice it out loud. But even that was not enough, so I tried something a little off-the-wall, and it worked like a charm!

So here’s my technique for NOT “losing it” in front of a woman

I’m assuming that you’ve already walked up and said “Hi,” or used some other opener to get the conversation started. I’ve taught you plenty of methods for that in these newsletters. And, as you know, it’s not what you open with that’s important, but what you say NEXT that will make the difference.

Here’s what you do first


A conversational bridge is a way of bringing up a topic towards which you want to steer the conversation.

Suppose you want to talk about your passions and interests. Just as an example, let’s say your passion is photography. There are a few ways you could bring it up in conversation. For instance:

“You know, I was just thinking that you would make a fantastic photographic subject. Have you ever thought about doing a sitting?” (Note that I did NOT use any corny lines about “you should be a model.”)

You could also bring it up without focusing on her:

“I was out scouting locations for some photos today. The light here is really fantastic for bringing out skin tones and eye color. Isn’t it great?” (I don’t have time to cover it here, but showing this kind of “vision” of the world is VERY attractive to women.)

Okay, so now we’ve got a couple ways to bring up our interests in conversation without bragging, AND, at the same time, to communicate to a woman that you’ve got a hobby in your life that brings out your passion. You want to be able to come up with this when you’re out. You need to have it ready all the time, like a loaded gun, but you find yourself constantly forgetting it when the pressure is on.

Here’s your next step


Modalities are simply your senses. Sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch.

The more of your senses you use, the more quickly things are embedded in your mind.

So before you go out, you want to spend some time actually writing these words down, whether they’re the questions you want to ask or just a list of topics you want to bring up in conversation. This will engage your “kinesthetic” modality.

Then you want to spend some time saying the words out loud. This will help you rehearse and present things smoothly, and it also engages your “auditory” modality.

After that, you want to spend some time reviewing things on paper. Read and re-read the information you want to commit to memory. This will engage your “visual” modality.

But even this is not enough for most of us. You need ONE last simple step to make this work, and it’s something that not many guys know about—a special method that increases your results by about 1000%.

You need to


Back when I was in high school, I had a good method for learning material I needed for tests. I would cram all my notes on a piece of paper, writing stuff everywhere and in every direction: in the margins, sideways, whatever.

Then, when it came time to study for a test, I would just sit down with the page, cover up sections with my hand, and try to recall the information.

Perhaps you did this, too, but what you might not realize is that you weren’t learning the information so much as you were learning WHERE that information was on the paper. You got locked into recalling the information based on WHERE it was, not WHAT it was, so when you received information that you couldn’t see on a piece of paper, you would soon forget it.

That’s right, it wasn’t the information you were learning so much as the LOCATION of that information. It’s called a “spatial relationship,” and it’s how your mind stores information. To take another example, if you close your eyes, chances are you can recall where almost everything is in your bedroom, or any other room with which you are familiar. So it’s important to give a RELATIONSHIP to the information to make it stick.

So here’s how you use this “Situational Rehearsal” technique, based on the way your brain really learns.

In my previous example, you came up with a great way to talk about your passion, photography. And you came up with a great way to SAY it to a woman. You may even have some of my “Power Questions (TM)” that you want to memorize.

Now you have to practice recalling these things in MANY different locations, and in many different situations. For instance:

– Recall and recite when you’re in the shower.

– Recall and recite when you’re driving in the car.

– Recall and recite when you’re watching a television show, as if you’re saying it to the people on the screen.

– Call your home voice mail and recite it back as a message. (This one is great. It will put you “on the spot” AND it will give you a chance to review how you said it. You can do this with your cell phone voice mail, too.)

But if you REALLY want to improve your inner and outer game of conversation, here’s a KILLER bonus technique:

– Put on a Bluetooth headset (or any cell phone earpiece, so it looks like you’re talking on your phone.) Then, go out and recite what you’re memorizing in public, on a city street or in a store. Other people will just assume you’re talking to someone on your cell phone. This method will help you get over your fear of looking foolish in front of others, AND it gives you a killer rehearsal for saying it in front of a woman. You’ll get your shyness out of the way, and you’ll build confidence in the process.

(I used to do this all the time, and make up some pretty crazy conversations to see if I could get people around me to listen. “He hit the cop with a baseball bat??? No WAY!” Try it sometime
it’s better than prank phone calls.)

By using my technique, you activate millions of more neurons in your brain, which commits the words DEEP into your memory. Then this helps you pull out the words when you really need to, and you won’t have any of those embarrassing gaps and silences in your conversations with women

But to make it work, you must put yourself in as many different situations as possible wherein you try to recall the information you’re memorizing. The more situations you find where you can rehearse, the better you’ll be when it counts—in front of a woman.

Swinggcat’s Guide To Using Speed Seduction In Bars

I am writing this because many guys still seem to be in the stone ages when it comes to using SS in bars. If you find that you already know and can practice in the real world what I am about to say, good for you. However, I know there are a lot of guys out there that are stuck when it comes to arguing /PUAing in bars. So if this post only helps one newbie get his feet wet or one guy that is at a sticking point, I will still be glad that I posted this. I am by no means closing every time I go to a bar, but I am getting really fucking good. That is to say, (1) there is rarely ever a moment when I am not charming some girl, (2) I am getting a lot more bar kiss closes, (3) and my rate of fuck closing has gone way up. What I am about to share is not a universal rule about what SS / PUA style works in bars. Instead, this is about what works for me. It is also a testimonial to how well SS can work in bars. Now, guys, I am not talking about the older models of SS. In fact, I don’t think these older versions of SS worked well in bars at all. What I am talking about is how well the newest and latest developments in SS work in bars.

Dress: A few words on clothes: I don’t think a person has to spend a huge amount of money on cool clothes. However, if you look like a complete dork, it is going to make life a lot more difficult. So, what I am suggesting is that you get some threads – they don’t have to be something that is really expensive – that is somewhat hip, but at the same time you can feel comfortable in. I know that this is some really simple advice, however, it is my belief that a sticking point with some SS brothers is induced by their dorky look. So, if you want to pick up on young hot girls in bars, you should remember that they are not going to cut you much slack for looking like a complete dork.

ATTITUDE AND STATE: What works for me: One thing that I have noticed about bars is that many hot little girls go there TO HAVE FUN. For the most part, they don’t think to themselves before they go to a bar or club: what hot stallion is going to stick his big hard Mr. Willy in me tonight? Instead, girls go to bars to have fun. That means that they are probably going to stay clear of lusty horny serious men with no personality. The types of guys most girls want to interact with are the types of guys who are confident and fun. In my experience, WOMEN LOVE PLAYFUL GUYS. So, when I go to a bar, I think to myself: I am going to play with every hot woman in this place. In other words, I am going to fuck with them, mess with their minds a little, bust their balls, and then see how they react. For me, this frame is great because no matter what happens I get a great laugh.

Walk-Ups: First off, let’s start with walkups: In my opinion, using pickup lines in bars is a waste of time. That is not to say, that it is not apropos to compliment a girl on something about her that you genuinely like or are genuinely curious about. In other words, I am saying that it is generally not a good idea to compliment girls – especially really hot girls – on their looks. Often times, when guys do this to the girl, the girl perceives what the guy is saying as meaning: Oh oh
I am so horny
I have a big boner
and would really like to fuck you. One context in which I have had success with complimenting girls on their looks is when I do it in an exaggerated humorous way. Remember, the best walkups are the ones when you get a girl to laugh. When you get a girl laughing, they think to themselves: this guy is pretty cool.

ONTO WHAT WORKS FOR ME: One thing that I have learned (and I owe this to watching both Ross and Sin in action) is that what you initially say is not as important as how well you calibrate; that is, get outside your head and notice what is going on with the girl you are talking to. When you learn to calibrate, you will BEGIN to see invaluable opportunities to initiate conversation with hot girls. In my experience, coming up with witty or funny things to say to a girl on the fly is mostly about calibration. Let me give you an example of one of the things I do. If I am at a bar and see a girl that is standing with her arms crossed and a frown on her face, I will go up to her mimicking her body language and facial expressions. Every time I have done this, they bust up laughing. Then I will say to them, I am going to come back over here in a couple of minutes and you better have a smile on your face. If they’re playful, they will say something like “what will you do if don’t.” And I will retort with, “You will get a spanking.” Then, if I come back and they are still standing there looking sad, I will point at them and say, “Bad girl” and then they will smile. Next, I will have them give me their hand. Then I smack it lightly, and say, “BAD GIRL, BAD LITTLE GIRL”. Of course, I am doing this in a playful way. If you don’t do this in an outgoing laid back confident manner, girls will probably think you are a creep and slap you across the face. However, if this is done in the right way, girls, eat this shit up like candy.

PATTERNING IN BARS: What do I think about patterns in bars? I think patterns are great as long as we are on the same page about what a pattern is. We need to distinguish the difference between what we used to call patterns and what is now considered a pattern. By what we used to call patterns I am talking about people memorizing mini-romance novels and then going to a bar and reciting it to a woman. You know the guy who spends an hour before he goes out to a bar to memorize the forbidden “sea monkey” pattern or practices the sacred “praying mantis” demo. Then goes to the bar, and haphazardly goes up to girls, and within a few minutes, without even calibrating or setting the context, is off doing his bizarre little routine
And here is the really funny part: he expects the girl to actually jump his bones after this. In reality, the girl probably thinks either that he is a creepy weirdo or that the monologue he is saying is so abstract that it is beginning become boring to listen to. For the most part, and I know that there are exceptions, girls don’t want to listen to some guy’s blabbing monologue; especially if it takes a lot of concentration to understand. Remember, young girls do not go out to listen to someone lecture them; they probably get their dose of this during the week in their college classes.

Girls go out to have fun and escape this. I am not saying that memorized scripts are completely futile but that they can be detrimental to your closing if you use them out of context. So what the hell do I mean by a pattern? What I mean by a pattern is anything I do that successfully gets them into the state I intend to put them in. So in my experience, this is more about calibration, asking the right questions, and then using the info they gave me in their responses to take them into the desired state. Both the signal recognition technique and value elicitation method are excellent means of doing this. A word about inducing somnambulistic states: I used to be real big on inducing somnambulistic states and I still am. In fact, when it comes to putting girls in somnambulism I am a master.

The sort of demos and hypnosis techniques I have used would blow most SSers’ minds away. I have used these techniques to transition into making out with girls within in the first few minutes of meeting them. However, one of the things I learned from Ross is that making every girl I talk to’s head explode in a context where I cannot logistically close is probably going to stifle my intended outcome (BTW, there are exceptions; some girls want to be overwhelmed in this way. That is why it is important to calibrate.) In other words, these techniques can come across as a bit jarring if you have just met the girl. Once you get her out of the bar, and back at someone’s house, the hardcore Hypno techniques work wonders. Also doing a big old long induction to make out with a girl is really too much work. In real life, kiss-closing girls in bars are much easier.

REFRAMES: Reframes are a powerful way of overcoming objections: Most of the stuff I learned on reframes comes from Rick H and reading Robert Dilts (BTW, if you want to get good at reframing, read the books ‘Sleight of Mouth’ and ‘Changing Belief Systems’). Rick is a master at reframing objections. One of Rick’s strategies for reframing girls is based on Robert Dilts’ logical level pyramid (BTW, for those who don’t know, the logical level pyramid from top to bottom is spirituality, identity, beliefs, capability, behaviors, and lastly, the environment. The higher up a logical level is, the more value is placed on it). The first thing that Rick does is to address an objection by reframing it on a lower logical level. Let me give you an example. You know the situation when you get a girl really interested in you, really turned on, and then you ask the girl if you can have her number (Yes, I know a lot of SSers and PUAs would never directly ask a girl for her phone number, but bear with me. I think you get the message)
and she gives you the response, “I don’t give my number out to guys I meet in bars”. Now, this is probably at the logical level of beliefs or identity – i.e., she believes that she is above guys in bars, which is an identity statement or she believes that giving her number out to a guy in a bar would be a bad idea. So how would we reframe this on a lower logical level and then give her a motivation to give me her number on a higher logical level? Say something like this: I couldn’t agree with you more. I mean as you LOOK at those guys in here (point away) you can probably NOTICE how trashy they look.

I mean if you actually gave them your number, one thing could lead to the next
and you could end up marrying them. I mean could you imagine that: fifteen years from now both you and that (point away) guy putting on so much weight that you guys look like two walking mini marts
you and he will probably live in some trailer park home eating hot pockets for the rest of your life. I mean just think how pathetic that would be.

After she stops laughing say: And at the same time you seem like someone who is smart, smart enough and experienced enough to know that extraordinary opportunities happen in ordinary circumstances
Keen enough to see that one pearl amongst the scum
You seem like the sort of person who has a strong enough sense of who you are that you can be flexible and adventurous enough to MOVE past your ordinary rules
and ALLOW yourself to take a chance and seize this ( sp ) opportunity.

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