I ordered dinner and the only place to sit was next to an interesting looking woman. (Actually, there were lots of others places free but the proper mindset is, “Right next to HER is the only place left to sit” and then do it; a variation of the 3-2-1-GO! directive.) She was athletic looking, about 40-42 years old, slender, and had an Office Professional look to her as though she might be a lawyer. Perhaps a 8 but she was the only one near, and thus a target for practice, and she proved to have a lively personality.
I simply sat down at the table with her, smiling as I sat, and delivered the peremptory “Mind if I join you?” introduction. She had calm eyes, smiled with her entire face and said, “Of course not. I’d love the company.”
(This is the usual reaction, by the way.)
While pleasant I could tell that the conversation wasn’t going anywhere, other than me making her day a little brighter, so I was preparing to exit when she took a call on her cell, turned slightly away, and chatted with a girlfriend for a minute. I wasn’t really listening as it seemed a good omen to me for leaving, that she was disconnecting herself from me to concentrate on her cell call, when I overheard her remark to her caller that, “I told him I already had a boyfriend so he’d leave me alone.”
So I stuck around for the required :02 or :03 minutes before she finished her call, and I asked her, “Did that really work? Telling some guy you’ve got a BOYFRIEND? And that was enough to make him go away?”
Big open mouth, surprised smiling face: “Uhh, yeah. It worked. Rather, it works. I just didn’t want to talk to that guy anymore.”
And this lead me into a discussion, and a practice session with her that is worth reporting here, about how a guy who knows what he is doing can easily get around that bit o’ bullshit.
I said, “Look, all guys who ‘get it’ know that all beautiful women have boyfriends all the time: no woman
will ever admit she doesn’t. So I would never ask, and if you just spontaneously blurted out a ‘Tourette’s Thing’ about having a boyfriend, I’d either ignore it or deal with it so it would have no power over me.” A discussion ensued but it was clear she was suddenly turned on by the idea of what Lance Mason calls “The Banter Battle.”
I gave her the challenge. Permission for some fun. Hit me.
“Go ahead, just keep saying ‘I have a boyfriend’ and I’ll show you I can outlast you, that you can’t win if the guy knows what he’s doing.” She nodded and calmly fired off, “I have a boyfriend” in a tone suggesting she was not interested me, an excellent bit of role play.
Here is the list of responses I gave her back, one right after the other, as well as I can remember them. Trust me: it’s easier to do it into their faces than recall them while typing, because you can calibrate, and feel buoyed by their facial expressions when you can see they’re getting “into” the play fighting.
“I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!”
“Right. [Ignoring it.] Seven o’clock will be too late. So make it 6 o’clock and bring a bottle of wine.”
[Note: this first one surprised her, as though she had thought no one could ever have a comeback for her, and so she smiled so big and broadly I thought she was going to start laughing. The subsequent responses just added to this response. And I don’t even consider this one of the more powerful answers, either.]
She says her line; I respond by quietly leaning in as though whispering something conspiratorially, as though I’m a little surprised at her lack of sophistication and say, “Actually, I’m not inviting the boyfriend, I’m inviting you [and switching back to ignoring the thought] so wear some nice blue jeans that show off your ass and some cute shoes to go with them.” Big smile from her at my use of the word, ass, too. You cannot over-use the word “ass” in a conversation with women.
Again. “Whoa, princess, come here (and she leans in). You know, having a boyfriend is actually a pretty
normal thing, so making a big deal of it makes you look … a little … weird, you know? So we’d better get going, because there’s not much time!”
Once more. “Cool. Good thing I’m not the jealous type. And don’t forget that bottle of Merlot I told you to bring.”
Another. “Okay, okay. So we’ll invite him over to fix us breakfast tomorrow morning… but I have to tell you, if he doesn’t make us fresh squeezed orange juice? I’ll have to CLUB HIM.” She burst out laughing at this one. One last time: “I have a boyfriend.” “Whoa! Stop. Come here. [I lean in a little as she leans in more.] You know we’re going to have sex later on, right? Because that’s the ONLY WAY we can clear the air of all this SILLY SEXUAL TENSION you keep making, so we can GET THAT BEHIND US and get on with just getting to know each other as real friends. [Shocked but smiling broadly] Really. It’ll happen. Don’t worry … so! … you were saying you were going to select a nice Pinot Noir to bring to my place, wasn’t it?”
There was some minor interruption, so she dealt with that but then came back immediately to the discussion.
“Wow. [Long pause.] I had no idea. That was really effective. Really, really effective. I just had no idea. That was good.”
I could have added one more but it just didn’t seem to fit into the quick positive vibe we’d established, and that would have been to say something like, “Wow, you have a boyfriend! How cool! I’m glad you met someone who can meet all your needs, and is the 100% perfect man for you, with no reservations of your lifelong commitment to him.
When are you getting married?” The problem with this is that it is more of a neg than dealing with the
boyfriend thing and so has limited use. Also it doesn’t naturally lead into anything unless you forcefully shift the discussion into something like the “Television Pattern” which I like to use.
“I have a boyfriend” can also have a secondary meaning which you should be on the lookout for: she might be trying to say, “I have a boyfriend SO WE MUST BE DISCRETE,” where she is checking to see if she can play with you without compromising her current relationship, which she may not be ready to concede for so many reasons. Any of the earlier responses will work there also so long as you thereafter give her enough feedback that she believes you will not embarrass her either in that venue, where there might be “witnesses”, or to her boyfriend should you be the stalker-type who might call her home repeatedly.
If the boyfriend thing keeps coming back and isn’t easily dismissed, cavalierly as I hint might be
accomplished above, you might want to add a discussion about how women almost always embrace the concept of “It doesn’t count” when calculating their own loyalties to their boyfriends. For example, many women will say, “I have never cheated on my husband/boyfriend!”—but if you answer, “Really? But what about me? You’ve been fucking me for 4 years. Don’t I count?,” they will say, “That may be true, darling, but YOU DON’T COUNT.”
YOU DON’T COUNT. If they are using you for sex, and friendship, with no intention of leaving their primary male sponsor (whether it be husband or boyfriend), then they consider themselves exhibiting perfect fidelity … after the slight mathematical adjustment to leave out of the calculations those infidelities that “don’t count.” Seriously, I have discussed the concept with women—who then quickly agreed, “Oh yeah, that’s absolutely right. I have known guys that didn’t count [in my personal life], either!” The point is, if you discuss the concept of “I DON’T COUNT”, you are continuing to lay the foundation for her to accept you as her new temporary boyfriend, which will not replace or harm her current, main supporting boyfriend.
That’s all for now. Both an interesting field experiment because I had the balls to bring it up and practice driving her expectations around with it, followed by some later thinking about how I could have extended the conversational thread if circumstances had allowed.