Think flirting is child’s play ? Think again ! If you’re missing these three essentials, you’re doing it wrong !
In the movie A Beautiful Mind, the mathematical genius John Nash walks up to a woman, plops his tush on a barstool next to hers and says, “I don’t exactly know what I am required to say in order for you to have intercourse with me. But could we just assume I said all that ? I mean, essentially what we are talking about here is fluid exchange, right ? We could just skip straight to the sex.”
Her eyes open wide, each one bulging almost out of its socket and simmering with anger. From behind her red painted lips she gushes a wry, “Oh, that was sweet.”
He smiles ear-to-ear and nods his head in a way that could only mean, “That went well.”
Then she wallops him across the face with the palm of her hand and fires a harsh, “Have a nice night, asshole.”
If you want to try Nash’s “charming” pick up line on a woman, go ahead. Be my guest. But invest in some headgear to take the brunt of the fist she’ll swing at your skull.
If this gambit made women waft their eyes at your crotch and demand, “Bend me over and drill your Notorious B.I.G into my pink taco,” you’d have a permanent smile plastered to your face.
Alas, only master woodsmen like Ron Jeremy and Lexington Steele live out post-pubescent fantasies of this ilk (and only while filming porn).
If you want to get back inside the same warm hole you spent nine months struggling to escape, you’ll have to venture into the murky underworld of illogical mating games collectively called “flirting.”
All of us can tell when two people are flirting: you can almost feel the spark of electricity between them.
But few men know the essential features of flirting, and even fewer can flirt with women at their whim. It’s just something that spontaneously happens between them and a woman once in a great while.
It’s not our fault. Most parents, teachers, books, and movies instill in us the belief that to get the girl of our dreams, we need to woo her over with expensive dinners, bankrupting jewelry, and lavish vacations. (As a side note, I remember the first time I squandered my money away on a fancy dinner for a woman. Instead of making her panties wet, it churned and bloated her belly.)
This belief not only cripples our chances with women, but also blinds us from seeing these essential features.
But if you could somehow dredge up these essential features, you could flirt with women at your will.
Well, you’re in luck. After years of studying social dynamics and purging every last morsel of this cancerous belief from my brain, I’ve unearthed these essential features. In this letter, I’m going to share them with you and teach you how to use them on women.
Essential Feature # 1: The Uncertain Possibility
“What is flirting ? One might say that it is a behavior leading another to believe that sexual intimacy is possible, while preventing that possibility from becoming a certainty. In other words, flirting is a promise of sexual intercourse without a guarantee.”
-Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness Of Being
To demonstrate Kundera’s lesson, let’s take an example from the MTV show Jersey Shore. Aspiring Lotharios Pauly and Vinny want to go on a double date with girls they met the night before at a nightclub.
Vinny calls up his girl and says, “Hey, it’s Vinny. What are you doing tonight ?”
She says, “Tonight I have no plans.”
He says, “I dunno if you met my friend Pauly with the spiky hair, but we might go to this little restaurant and then maybe out afterwards. He might call … um … some girl. I need a sympathy date. You know what I mean ? I don’t want to be left out.”
She gives him a sympathetic “Aw !”
He asks, “Do you want to do me that favor ?”
She cedes him a hesitant, “Alright.”
He feels confident that she is coming. Unfortunately, to his chagrin, she flakes.
Pauly takes a different approach. He calls up his girl and says, “I want to take out the girl I’m in love with.”
She says, “Aw !”
He follows up with, “But then I figured you could come too.”
She starts laughing like a hyena seconds before feasting on its prey and says, “Not funny. That’s so not funny.”
As you could probably guess, she shows up.
Why did Pauly’s girl show up while Vinny’s flaked ?
Vinny’s Casanova skills were as smooth as a grandmother’s butt strewn with grey stubble, dimpled with cellulite, and pocked with assne. His phone conversation was fraught with problems: from stuttering to beating around the bush and beseeching her for a “sympathy” date.
But the real culprit was that he didn’t spark sexual tension. He failed to flirt with her.
Pauly did the opposite. His flirtatious approach sparked sexual tension by leading her to believe that sexual intimacy with him was possible, yet not certain.
Essential Feature # 2: Temptation Without Satisfaction
The word “tantalize” is a close cousin to “flirting” and means temptation without satisfaction.
“Tantalize” comes from the legendary Greek ruler Tantalus, whom Zeus condemned for eternity to stand in a pool of water beneath a fruit tree. Whenever he reached for fruit, the branches rose, preventing him from satisfying his appetite. Whenever he bent down to drink, the water receded, thwarting him from quenching his thirst. Each failed attempt at attaining fruit or water increased his desire.
The story of Tantalus resonated with the ancient Greeks because it revealed something endemic to human beings: temptation without satisfaction rouses desire in all of us.
To demonstrate this, I want you to try a little experiment: lightly brush your fingers against your arm for a split second. I’m willing to bet you felt a slight urge to itch your arm.
Here’s an example of how you can use temptation without satisfaction to stir up sexual arousal in women …
When it’s time kiss a girl, instead of going for the gold and thrusting your tongue down her throat, graze your lips against hers for a few seconds. Then pull back and give her a knowing smile.
She’ll return your smile with the same pouty face children make when their parents refuse to buy them the toy they’ve been drooling over for months.
Do this to her a few more times and she will grab you tightly and kiss you hard.
Is it cruel and unusual punishment to torture a poor damsel in distress like this ?
No no. Far from it.
This is flirting at its finest, and the kind of torture women love. That’s because temptation without satisfaction puts their sexual desire on steroids.
Moreover, it demonstrates to women that you know what you’re doing in the bedroom. Masterful lovers use temptation without satisfaction from the moment they meet a woman until sex (and during) to stoke the sexual fire in her loins and precipitate orgasm.
Essential Feature # 3: Creating Obstacles
“… I find myself in the torturous contradictory situation that I need an obstacle between my will and my goal. The more effective the obstacle is, the more overwhelming my desire becomes – provided the goal is in sight.”
-Maria Marcus, A Taste For Pain
When you put up a barrier between a woman and something she wants, her desire for it increases a hundredfold. When done in a flirtatious context, it sexualizes her desire.
To give you an example, awhile back I chatted up this 22-year-old brunette. She was obviously into me: each joke I made – even the ones that should make only retarded children laugh – hurled her into a paroxysm of giggles and compelled her to fondle me like a crystal ball.
So I told her, “The Aquarium of the Pacific has a new sea otter exhibit and I’m going next week.” (Later I learned that BP funded the exhibit. But that’s a story for another time.)
She exclaimed, “I love sea otters,” and then begged, “I wanna go. I wanna go. Take me. Take me. Please !”
I teased, “I was gonna take you, but you had to act all needy about going. So that’s just not happening anymore.”
She socked me on the arm and whined, “That’s no fair. You’re such a meanie. I wanna go so bad.”
Let’s break down what I did …
She obviously wanted to go to the aquarium and hang out with me. So I created a false barrier.
The result: her desire to go to the aquarium and hang out with me burgeoned like a malignant tumor on a mission to take over a hapless person’s body.
But there’s a more subtle and powerful aspect to creating false barriers …
I discovered it at age six while driving to Palm Springs with my grandparents. From the backseat vantage point I witnessed my gluttonous grandma reach her hand into a box of See’s Candy, grab ahold of a piece of chocolate, stuff it into her mouth, and move her jaw around and around like a cow chewing on its cud. After repeating the process ad nauseam, she asked me if I’d like a piece and I said, “No thank you.” (Chocolate has never been my thing.)
She responded with, “Good … because I wasn’t gonna give you any.”
All of the sudden I wanted a piece of chocolate. Her taking that option of having a piece away from me made the chocolate desirable.
The moral of the story: you can start with something a person has no interest in, create a barrier from her getting it, and – viola – she’ll desire it.
The most powerful application of this principle is when you use a barrier to turn yourself into the object of a woman’s desire. More times than I can count, I’ve used this to transform myself in a matter of seconds from the bane of a woman’s nightclub experience into her knight in shining armor.
Here’s why …
Women like to think of themselves as attractive and desirable. For most women to maintain this self-image, they need validation from men. In other words, even if they aren’t attracted to you, they want you to want them.
That’s why droves of happily married women go out on the town with their girlfriends and revel in men hitting on them – it validates that they’re still desirable.
I remember the first time I used this. A friend and I were at a small pub on Saint Patrick’s Day. As we were chatting with a girl, I noticed two ice-princesses roll their eyes at us. Then the blonde one said to the other, “Why is Suzy talking to those ugly losers ?” (No ifs, ands, or buts about it, she was referring to us.)
Next, the blonde marched over to us and gave her friend the directive, “We need to leave.”
I looked her directly in the eyes and delivered a cool and collected, “You’re very pretty.”
She hissed, “You’re a real charmer,” and tried to frown. But her frown was struggling against the pull of her rising cheeks and narrowing eyes. Her forced I’m-a-bitch façade was giving way to a genuine smile that said loudly and clearly, “I’m so happy you think I’m desirable.”
Then I continued with, “But too bad you’re a bottle blonde. Bottle blondes aren’t my type. I like my girls natural.”
Her genuine smile gave way to a genuine frown.
Then she started grinding against me and said, “You know I’m hot. You know I turn you on.”
I leaned back against the bar and said, “You are hot. You just don’t sexually do anything for me.”
She quarreled, “No guy in his right mind would turn me down. You must be gay.”
So I gave her a sarcastic, “If that would make you feel better about yourself, you can think I’m gay.”
She protested, “No you’re not and you want me,” and then planted her lippers on mine.
To spare you the needless details, we played tonsil hockey for the rest of the night.
Although she found me less appealing than the whiff of ass and foot combined, I became the object of her sexual desire by creating a barrier.
The bedrock for applying the three essential features of flirting is using a powerful seduction technology called “Push-Pull.”
Push-Pull is the art of emotionally Pushing a woman away from you and then emotionally Pulling her back in. Each Push creates an emotional space for each Pull.
To get a sense of where I’m going with all this, think, for example, of your favorite junk food. Imagine going on a strict diet for several weeks that prohibits you from eating your favorite food.
What would it feel like to finally give in to your urge and indulge after weeks of dieting ?
I’m willing to bet it would taste a thousand times yummier after dieting than before.
Push-Pull is the fastest way to spark sexual tension. Each time you push her away, it sparks tension …
… and each time you pull her in, it releases that tension.
The process of sparking and then releasing tension in a woman creates attraction.