Most of this is an e-mail conversation I had with Lindy which I felt brought up some interesting points:
(Relating to the comment about the drink being thrown at Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie because he said what she claimed to dream about hearing):
You may be right. They do want that. Even when they don’t admit it. And sometimes they don’t admit it … because they don’t have the resources to face it. But I wonder if the real point of the drink being thrown was not because she was insulted … but because she was confronted with her own inner passion and sexuality, and reacted with fright.
It is a difficult thing for some women to admit that they have these feelings … feelings which sometimes can be too much for them to deal with. Control may be the reason, since it means letting go in a way they have never fully done before. Scary stuff for some.
As I think of it … a lot of the fear that men (and women, too) have about rejection might be spared, were they to realize that often when they receive a knock back, it truly is no reflection on them as men. It is most often the case that it says less about you than it does about them. But it must hurt. A lot.
It’s important, then, to have a good concept of yourself. It saddens me to see fellows feeling bad about themselves and taking it personally when they receive a knock back. As in sales, if there is no buyer, you have nothing to sell. Doesn’t make you good, bad, or indifferent. If this one isn’t interested … then find someone who is.
You need to value your own opinion of yourself more than that of some strange woman who could be a total nutter for all you know. Because people will only ever treat you as well as you treat yourself. If you seek respect from others … then Respect Yourself first. You are entitled.
My Comments: I have a friend (whom I mentioned in the last post I sent out) who believes that women want a man to tell them what to do (but it has to be done in a manner that meets their innermost needs and desires).
Lindy: I would not disagree … but here’s the thing … there are likely just as many men who would like the same … if they but new it. It is not a conscious thing … and most would be unaware … or unwilling to admit such a thing.
The catch is that there are few who understand the obligations and responsibilities they take on when they seek to take the lead role in a relationship … few have the skills or the capacity to do so with much elan.
My Comments: The trick is to be able to tell someone what to do in a way that they want to do it. If you ask anyone if they want someone to tell them what to do, the reaction would be clear… “No !” But someone who makes you feel secure and in whom you have confidence (and who has the style to be able to pull this type of thing off) is very seductive. I agree that you can’t take their rejections personally. Hey, they act indifferent with the excuse that “I don’t know you,” so why concern yourself with their rejection ?
Lindy: Because they are bitches is the short answer (or jerks in the case of the male). The fuller explanation is that they are individuals with limited world views, and a small cache of resources at their disposal. You should feel sorry for such people … and run, don’t walk away. These people live in a world of self delusion. They will stay that way until they can accept responsibility for their results … and their actions. Some will be happy to live their whole lives in blissful ignorance. Their loss.
My Comments: Well, one thing that I realized (which no one ever told me) is that everybody has somebody they are nice to. No matter who it is, the person who seems unapproachable or who reacts in a short or rude manner does have someone who cares about them, whom they treat well, etc. Realizing that someone may be having a bad day when they snapped at you, and being able to look beyond the immediate to see the real person, to try and find the person who has value in there, is a sign of maturity, I think. This does not mean that I know the right way to deal with them at the moment we are describing … only that I know that this is one of the hurdles that needs to be overcome in order to successful seduce someone. Personally, I feel my challenge in this area is mostly to get (or access what I already have) the ability to overcome all resistance and objections that you face when you are in front of that woman that you want. Ultimately, the only person that can make you happy is yourself.
Lindy: Very true. And very difficult for most people to grasp. It means they need to accept responsibility for themselves. Anathema to many. There is a quote I like … I don’t know the author, but it sums this up very well. If you accept it … your life will be changed forever. It is simply this … “My position in life is equal to the sum of all the decisions I have made … or allowed others to make for me. What I choose … is what I am.”
My Comments: It has been pointed out to me that we make decisions consciously and unconsciously all the time. The decision to talk or not talk to a woman is just one. To think negative thoughts is another. While we may make excuses to ourselves (and I know that we have been formed by forces that we may not recognize as having been ultimately under our control), we really do have to face the fact that what we are and what we do is the result of our own chosen actions. Now that we are aware of this, it is time to restructure ourselves to live the way we want to.
I was taking another tack on that movie scene, and extending the idea to romantic movie scenes in general. Movies are a common topic of conversation, and an easy way to start exploring for themes. An HB may say that she likes comedies or that she likes romances, for example. Segue into how you find it interesting how the most memorable scenes are those that either dramatize or satirize, perhaps in a metaphorical way, some aspect of the viewers’ own experiences.
“I mean, there was this scene in Tootsie where … blah blah … and she said to him (gesture back and forth), ‘Hey I could give you some kind of line. But I just wanted to say that I find you very interesting, and I want to make love to you.’ Blah, blah.” Then you do the same with some romantic scene from another movie, and so on.
Basically (and my apologies if this is obvious to you), “quotsifying” the words preempts the possibility of provoking her displeasure towards you, because you’re consciously dissociated from the dialog. Also, the looping / nesting of roles is trance inducing. At the same time you’re giving her implicit permission to indulge her fantasies, and you’re linking those states to yourself.