I put together a whole bunch of one-liner text messages to spark attention from the get go.

It gets boring for a girl if you always text her something like:

“hey wats up”


“wat you up to”

Text messaging is very important these days, so it’s time to get good at it ! That’s what I am trying to do.

All these text messages were taken from a bunch of places, so don’t credit me for them. I just put this list together because it makes life so much simpler.

  • I couldn’t help noticing that you’re mind-blowingly hot.
  • I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.
  • Hey, wanted to touch base in case you get rich.
  • Let’s party like rock stars that only play video games !
  • If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party until it started raining.
  • If you showed up on a free porn site I would definitely click through.
  • Thought you should know I totally blasted my pecs today.
  • My plan is to travel the world in a Panda suit.
  • I’ve been telling my mom about you, and she said I should call.
  • We’re total fucking bad asses.
  • Let’s have a frank discussion about our favorite sexual positions.
  • I’ve put more thought into my [Halloween] costume than into my career.
  • This is the one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected.
  • I can’t believe how much I’m not sick of you.
  • (If they can’t do something) Your busy day is interfering with my slacking off.
  • (In response to what I’m doing) I’m practicing the shocker. (Go with the flow after this).
  • I’m concerned your hotness may eventually make me insecure.
  • Someday I want to adopt an Asian baby with you.
  • Big dinners make me drowsy, so let’s do the sex part first.
  • I’d appreciate it if you started treating me like a sex object.
  • Let’s go to a crowded party or bar to socialize exclusively with ourselves.
  • Please make yourself available to talk when I have nothing to do while driving.
  • I’d take you to coffee but your Starbucks drink order embarrasses me.
  • Let’s invite ugly friends out tonight to highlight our hotness.
  • I’m too horny to be in public.
  • Let’s pretend to get together soon !
  • I really can’t say enough good things about your blowjobs.
  • Fucking you really turns me on.
  • Sometimes I get sad about how uncool you’ve become.
  • Someday we should go into rehab together.
  • I’m ready to change my Facebook relationship status if you are.
  • I caught you staring at my package.
  • I love it when you tell a story 368 times.
  • I insist that everyone start calling me by my porn name.
  • If I ever run for president, my association with you is going to haunt me.
  • Just an FYI that my Facebook friend tally has recently skyrocketed.
  • Just wanted you to know that I’m new to the neighborhood and am required by law to tell you that.
  • Really great meeting you, but I’m currently not in the market for new friends.
  • I’d like your permission to slightly exaggerate our friendship.
  • Just saying hi and wondering if the morning-after pill worked.
  • Let me know when you’re available so I can make sure I’m busy.
  • Welcome back if you were on vacation.
  • When you’re with me, your beverages are roofie-free.
  • Your username is making me hesitant to flirt with you.
  • I want you to uproot your life and move to my hometown so we can casually date.
  • I’ve almost figured out our relationship.
  • I’m glad you recognize how terrible your life is without me.
  • I bet my weekend can kick your weekend’s ass.
  • I’d bang you if you weren’t such a nice girl …
  • Ha-ha, I’ve got you by the balls now !
  • I hope you’re smiling.
  • What sort of trouble are you causing ?
  • Guess what ! (If lame response) Bad girl. I said guess. Try again.
  • Thinking of you (and taking cold showers).
  • You’re boring. Better start being entertaining before I leave you. ;P
  • I just don’t think we should do this anymore … sometimes you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat.
  • Let’s fly to Las Vegas, get married, argue about our third kid’s name, develop a gambling problem, divorce, and grow old lonely and depressed
  • Hey ! I really miss you and want to see you badly but this dumbass security guard won’t let me into the zoo. Can you escape ?
  • Hey you cheeky-slag, orgy starts at 8:00, but be there early so I can get you while you’re still fresh … fine, well can I at least get seconds ?
  • Today is Holy Shit You’re Hot Day, send this to someone you know who is hot … just not to me, I’ve been getting this fucking text all day ;p
  • Exciting, you are going to make a great soccer mom some day ! I will keep an eye out for used mini vans and do some research on anti-depressants for you !
  • Hey, I was just thinking about you, wish you were here (so you could cook me something and do my dishes / so you could fetch me a drink and give me a foot massage / so you could clean my house and do my laundry).
  • So bottom line, you kinda impressed me tonight … and I don’t get impressed very often. Keep up the good work 😉
  • Yeah it’s big … sorry, wrong [girl’s name].
  • I forgot, are we fighting ? And most importantly, am I winning ?
  • One hundred percent of homosexuals check their text messages with their thumb. Too late to switch fingers now !
  • Stop thinking about me !
  • I think of you every time I browse my phone on the toilet.
  • You’re only as old as you feel while getting wildly fucked.
  • It’s been too long since we threw up on each other.
  • Let’s confirm that we’re getting pants-shitting drunk tonight.
  • Wanting to make gentle yet impassioned love to [Tom Brady] doesn’t make you gay.
  • If I was your co-worker I’d sexually harass you.
  • If we were in prison together I’d totally help you not get raped.
  • Don’t forget that blowjobs are like flowers for men.
  • OMG, Becky, look at her butt !
  • You’re going to be a great MILF.
  • Let’s do the whitest thing imaginable.
  • Surprise !
  • Knock knock …
  • How’s my favorite little brat doing ?
  • Ciao bella ! / Mi amore ! / Ma cherie amour !
  • I just made you open your phone for no reason … looks like I got you in check =]
  • What sort of trouble are you causing ?
  • I am luring women to my house with candy … do you prefer Skittles or M&Ms ? (My Addition: Bring preferred candy to next meeting. Funny. Also, after reading posts they always pick Skittles … I’m going to actually try and bring a fun pack of Skittles when I’m out and use this as a funny opener. If they say Skittles, I’ll take out the pack, pop one in my mouth and say, “Want a Skittle ?”)
  • I know my math … u + i = 69
  • Girls are gross …
  • I hope you are smiling. If not, just think of me !
  • Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy people off the planet and force them to breed. You should be safe, I just wanted to text to say goodbye.
  • Out of all the (first name) (last name)s I know … I think you’re my favorite.
  • You just popped into my head, so hi … now please stay out of there
  • Hey I hope you got home safe [name].
  • I don’t know who your boyfriend is … but he’s not spanking you enough !
  • I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.
  • Awww, you’re so sweet. You’re making me get diabetes.
  • I was thinking of you …
  • Something about you seems to always make me smile.
  • Feel better so I can guiltlessly / mercilessly make fun of you again.
  • I’m glad you recognize how bad your life would be without me.
  • (On the stress of relationships) Life would be easier if we were gay.
  • If you really loved me you would say it on my Facebook Wall.
  • (After waiting a while when they message) I just finished balancing my chi, what are you up to ?
  • I get it … you’re just a simple woman who wants her salad tossed.
  • I couldn’t get through [day of the week]s without knowing you’re equally miserable.
  • I’d like to offer moral support, but I have questionable morals.
  • It’s never too early to start a mid-life crisis.
  • Do something special for yourself and then feel guilty about it.
  • (Bowling, etc.) Sure … I genuinely enjoy any activity in which you bend over.
  • And here are some two liners:

You: Congratulations

HB: Why ?

You: I was just thinking of you. Congratulations =)

You: Hey I’ve been thinking … ..want to rob a bank with me ?

HB: Haha, what ? (Or something of the sort, most girls will play along.)

You: Seriously, I need a partner. Are you driving or are you shooting ?

HB: Blah blah.

You: Oh, a badass huh ?

You: Who is this ?

HB: [Girl’s name]

You: I know … I’m just being an ass.

You: Let’s go to Vegas and get married right now. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. (Then follow up with) Oh my bad … wrong person ! / Sorry wrong number !

You: So are you in love with me yet ?

HB: Blah.

You: Wow, you’re lasting longer than I thought / Give it 15 minutes …

You: Don’t worry, you’re still my favorite girl. (Wait a couple minutes). Or at least in the top 5.

HB: What are you up to tonight ?

You: Tonight’s my weekly melted Haagen-Dazs bath.

HB: Who’s this ?

You: Prince Charming, duh.


  • So I felt you should know the Snapple fact of the day: your eye expands up to 45% when looking at something pleasing. Now I know why you are all bug eyed when I’m around !
  • Those innocent eyes, those juicy lips, a great smile, that awesome bod, so hot ! But enough about me, what are you up to ? (Love this one.)
  • I know you’re thinking about me. So I thought I would say hi !
  • Looking forward to seeing you. You’re like the bratty little sister I’ve always wanted.
  • Fun times ! I guess it’s safe to introduce you to my friends !
  • Had a great time ! Even if you’re a little dorky …
  • Ewww stop thinking about me, I can feel your thoughts all over me … pervert !

You: I heard what you said about me !

HB: I’m confused.

You: You told your friends that you just wanted to bang my brains out and use me for sex … tsk tsk … I thought you were different.

You: Snapple Fact: A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories.

HB: Oh wow, really ?

You: Yeah, so if you ever need some help working out, I’ve been told I’m a great spot.

“I’m having the worst day … I’ve already lost 4 retards. I lost 2 at Chuck-E-Cheese … one at Wal-Mart … where the hell are you ! ?”

“I was tipsy last night and gave a homeless guy $20 because he had a sign that said “Need money for liquor, I have a date.” When is the last time you contributed to society ?”

“I heard on the news someone checked into the pysch ward wearing only a thong and riding a goat. I’ll come and get you … but this shit has to stop !”

“Cooking bacon naked is a bad idea.”

“Hey, the cops are looking for a sexy person and a retard … they already got me, but you still have time ! Now grab your crayons and hockey helmet and get the fuck out !”


I have been fortunate enough to have been able to present a lot of great material in the cliff’s list newsletters and now on the website that have made a significant difference in many guy’s lives.

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