Somewhere one of you responded to the title of this post by saying, “Yeah, they just hit me instead.”
If that’s your reality, I’m sorry to hear that. What I have in mind here is something very different.
This is going to be all about how women go about showing interest in a guy who they’d like to notice them.
But first of all, I’m going to go on record here as saying that if you’re a man who routinely has women approach you and ask you out, then you’re in VERY rare company.
What’s more, if you happen to find that women go so far as to “throw themselves at you,” then you might be one in ten thousand.
This despite anything you’ve ever read that promises women will show up out of nowhere and beg you to have sex with them, etc.
While I fully realize that younger women (e.g. in college) are more forward than ever before, I’ll be honest. The number of men I personally know who have women throw themselves at them on a regular basis is…let me see, here…um… ZERO.
Granted, I don’t know Justin Bieber (although Emily’s son bears a striking resemblance to him and even still…) but I DO know just about every well-known dating coach and/or pickup artist at this point. I’ve even hung out in person with most of them.
Yes, some of those guys are truly, legitimately good with women. But NONE of them are simply sitting there fielding females with a catcher’s mitt (a la Eddie Murphy).
Me personally? I’ll just spell it out for you.
I’ve never been the most visually striking member of the male race, but in my twenties I was a fairly decent looking guy on a fast motorcycle who worked out and was in good shape.
The grand number of women in my entire life who’ve thrown themselves at me?
One was a very drunk woman at a karaoke bar. At least the woman whom I was on a first date with at the time was impressed.
Another was a cute, spunky little blondie who was a true “one percenter” in the outgoing personality department, for sure. For what it’s worth, we ended up dating for a while. I was impressed.
The third girl was another perky, gymnast-like blondie I knew who propositioned me sexually in front of everyone else in our social circle…and meant it.
Come to think of it, something similar may have happened at a frat party here and there. But it always involved plastered women who were likely less-than-discriminate about who they were talking to. Therefore, those events weren’t particularly memorable.
But the evidence is otherwise rather clear, gentlemen. The plain truth is that women just flat out aren’t wired to make unmistakably bold moves demanding our sexual attention.
In my somewhat well-traveled opinion that’s for two reasons.
First, hardly any men have the guts to do that. So why would we think that women are more likely to overcome “anxiety” than we are?
But second, and perhaps more significantly, they’d feel weirdly masculine doing so.
We as men are to LEAD. It’s up to US to make the bold move. Women are keenly aware of that, and that’s how they LIKE it.
But wait a minute…that doesn’t mean for a second that women don’t have clear ways of making their interest known.
Don’t let that last sentence fry your circuits. There is indeed a BIG difference between throwing oneself at someone else and showing clear interest.
Indeed, it’s not most women’s style to walk right up and hit on guys, let alone proposition them.
What they tend to do instead is, for lack of a better description, to put themselves in our way.
That’s right. Women will very deliberately position themselves relative to us so that we’re all but sure to notice them.
Their intention, of course, is to absolutely simplify YOUR ability to make a bold, masculine move and approach THEM.
Although this maneuver can appear subtle, it can take more obvious forms also.
When I was in college I worked at a summer camp and one night they had planned some sort of dance.
A certain spunky little blondie (there’s a pattern there, no?) basically made sure she was standing right in front of me when it was time to pick partners. She turned her head toward me and smiled.
How convenient of a choice she became in the moment.
Yes, she showed interest. But no, she didn’t grab me by the collar and demand that I dance with her.
More subtle forms of this phenomenon are limited only by the female imagination.
Just yesterday I went to the supermarket around 3.30 in the afternoon.
For some reason there was an unusually plentiful supply of single women who had gone out of their way to look sexy for whichever guys they happened to encounter in the produce section.
So what do women tend to do when they know they’ve “got it” and they’re hoping to create a “movie moment” at the grocery store?
It’s not like they’re going to put on their “little black dresses” and heels. That would be too blatant an advertisement.
Typically, they instead wear some sort of casual workout outfit that features a lot of pink or some other feminine color.
They probably have on some sort of spandex and/or those athletic shorts that women tend to wear nowadays that hug their hips just right.
And then they go food shopping instead of working out.
In other words, if you see a woman who’s in workout gear but who HASN’T worked out yet, then BINGO.
After all, what’s up with that? Is she going to let all the frozen food melt in the car while she works out afterward?
There IS no trip to the gym in the works. She’s just perpetrating.
In any case, the local joint was CRAWLING with such women yesterday. One spunky, athletic-looking blondie (go figure) kept turning up in whatever department I was in.
More than once she paused beside me to make like she was about to select something, but never did.
It would have been all-too-easy for the single version of me to say, “So…do you really think the national brand is any better than the store brand?”
And it was she who most certainly made sure that striking up such a conversation could have been a no-brainer.
By now, you may have some questions.
“So Scot, how come I never see anything like this happening before my very eyes?”
“Wait a minute…sometimes I’M THE ONE who does this subtle positioning thing. Why doesn’t that ever work if women are in fact the experts at it?”
“How come cute spunky BRUNETTES can’t be as interested as the blondies?”
Well, I have no clue how to answer that last one. But the first two I can handle.
A single answer covers both questions: It’s all in the difference between how masculinity and femininity are wired.
Masculinity is wired to make bold, definitive moves (although our confidence level as to whether we can bring ourselves to actually make them or not is another thing altogether).
So since that’s what we understand, we often miss the signals women send us by positioning themselves perfectly for US to make a move on them.
The mistake we make is to expect them to be more like us if they’re interested.
But conversely, even though women fully understand what they’re doing to indicate interest, they’re actually confused a bit when WE do something similar.
To them it doesn’t indicate interest on our part to merely put ourselves in their way. After all, we’re men…so now that the “positioning” portion of the whole dance is over, in their eyes it’s time for us to introduce ourselves.
Granted, the respective male and female expectations of the other gender seem to contradict themselves, at least on the surface.
That is, men often EXPECT women to be like men, whereas women are CONFUSED when men act like women.
Chalk that one up to the nature of leadership. While women naturally look for the man to make the move, we as guys sometimes drop the ball.
All told, it looks like a simple mind shift is in order here.
Women definitely see it as YOUR job (or prerogative, if you will) to approach them. But they also most definitely understand that it’s THEIR job to make that as easy on you as possible if they’re interested.