The response to this series on guys’ challenges when it comes to women has been off the hook ! I am really excited to be able to present this material to you and to see you getting involved in what I think is becoming some very stimulating and educational discussion on the personal challenges men face in order to be more successful with women. These problems include the whole gamut from being plain looking, being ugly, being too good looking, having weight or height issues, bad hair, no hair, having nothing to say, no personality, poor hygiene, being too passive, your race, etc. Whatever your personal problems are, I’m going to be addressing them and looking for whatever solutions there are out there.
I do also want to delve into the elephants in the room. For example, while I never spent much time on the site (which I understand is down now after what happened with that guy in California who killed a few people and who turned out to have been posting there) but I sympathized with what I understood to be the original motivation behind PUAHate. And that was (as I understood it) guys who were unable to get any results from the instruction and training they would get (often at the cost of thousands of dollars) from PUA and seduction coaches, both live in bootcamps and otherwise. These guys would post and commiserate together about how they felt taken advantage of and effectively robbed of the money they spent on promises that were made by coaches who knew that they never could have really helped these guys from the beginning. Most of these guys just were not “programmed” well by their parents and their upbringing and it was pretty much impossible for them to rewire their entire socialization process so that they could relate to women in any kind of “normal” manner. Some, for example, really had no masculine traits and it was an insurmountable mountain for them to climb to learn to be seen as a sexually attractive male. Think of some of the nerds you may have known in your life – nice guys, but it would be a miracle for them to connect with a woman and enter into a relationship (and even if they did, they had no experience in what that would be like or how to behave in one).
I’ve known many guys like this, some to this day. They just are living their lives in a private hell that they see no way out of (and, for most if not all of the ones I am thinking of, neither do I). Personally I feel really bad for these guys. I am definitely not myself able to do anything for them but I see their suffering. I would like to one day find some real help for them, but realistically most guys like this are not in position to either spend the time or money needed to go through a long, intensive re-wiring. But I do want to hear your thoughts and opinions on this, as well as the other specific issues that guys have problems with which get in the way of their having success with women.
This series is bringing you comments and opinions from some of the world’s greatest dating, pickup and seduction coaches. ALL of the comments you see in these emails are original and were specifically sent to me by the authors and written exclusively for this series. Most if not all of these people offer products and coaching (both live and otherwise) and I want you to know that if you contact any of them and let them know that you were buying either products or live coaching from them because you found out about them from Cliff’s List, let both them and me know and Cliff’s List will send you a special Cliff’s List bonus product free for each product that you buy.
I received this comment which came in response to Hayley Quinn’s post (click HERE to read the post of Hayley’s that is being commented on):
James: “I will prob never do a bootcamp with anyone because of the looks issue. Way more important than companies say they are esp if it’s just sex you want i.e one night stands and fuck buddies.”
James here feels his goal of having casual sex is problematic due to his looks. I do think looks play a role, but I can tell you I have seen a lot of situations where looks didn’t do what you think they do. For example, I have been in MANY seminars and bootcamps where really good looking guys couldn’t get anywhere with women (that’s why they were taking these trainings). If you read old Hollywood press you will find comments by Brad Pitt saying how before he was famous he couldn’t get a date. I dated a very attractive woman a couple years ago who told me she was with a guy (for 12 years!) who was incredibly ugly but he was so charming that when you meet him you know you are having sex that night. They broke up because he cheated on her!
The problem is that, in general, you need personality and a great attitude to have success with women whether you have the looks or not. And if you don’t have the looks and as a result also not have a sunny and/or charming disposition, then it’s like a double whammy.
Now I am not saying that a bootcamp might make the difference for you, but I do think your comments are reflective of guys who blame their issues on their looks. I have seen bootcamps be both completely useless for some, and life changing for others.
Here are some comments from my friend Carlos Xuma, who has just “exposed” the “Lust response” in women:
“When it comes to natural limitations, I don’t like to encourage the view that they are “limitations.” Sure, we all have things about us we’d like to be more “ideal” or match some Hollywood expectation. But when you get right down to it, EVERYONE does.
For instance, most perceived limitations come in what I call the “visual variety.” This includes all that stuff we’re told that we should have to be physically attractive to another person, like your musculature, your facial features, or even your hairline.
The one thing that most guys don’t realize is that we men believe that just because WE find women attractive (or not) based solely on appearance, that women are doing the same to us. The fact is that while we should maximize our *image* as much as possible, women are more attracted to our level of confidence and “dominance” when it comes to sexual attraction.
In many ways, this gives men the unfair advantage over women, since their genetics stamped them very early in life. For men, we can actually mold our sexual appeal by our behavior, which is what I’ve been teaching men how to do for over a decade now.
Think of Jack Nicholson. He’s widely regarded as Hollywood’s most notorious womanizer. He’s slept with just about every women he’s come in contact with, and yet he’s not a very handsome guy – even by his own estimation.
Look around every corner and you’ll see examples of guys with women where you say to yourself, “WTF??” And this is more the rule than the exception.
Here’s how you handle your perceived shortfalls. Stop recognizing them and focusing on them. In fact, come up with a funny, self-deprecating remark to show women that you know your limitations, but you’re not limited by them.
“I realized last year that since my hair was thinning a bit, I will never start trying to cover it up. You know those guys with comb-overs? They’re the guys that think if you crush a bag of potato chips, now you’ve got more chips. No way…” (Chuckle.)
Women will focus on the insecurity that bothers you the most – because you’re probably focused on it too. Drop that routine and get back to promoting your strengths instead.
Just ask yourself: WWJND – What would Jack Nicholson do?”
Many years ago I had the experience of meeting through business a man who’s appearance would shock you. He had flown a fighter plane in the Korean war and was shot down. He experienced burns over something like 95% of his body and spent about two years in the hospital undergoing countless operations. He was a sight I will never forget – his skin was mostly melted over his bones, he had stumps for hands as his fingers had for the most part burnt off. He had basically a hole for his ear and another for his nose, his head and face looked more like some flesh glued onto a skull. It was difficult to look at him. He came to see me and a business contact of mine and showed up with a handsome young man who turned out to be his son. This man, after this horrific experience, met a beautiful woman, married her and then had 9 children with her. Not only that, but after this happened to him he became a hugely successful business man, owning numerous radio and television stations, real estate and other businesses.
While I keep this story in my head as an example, I realize at the same time that he unfortunately is the exception and not the rule. And for every one like him, there are probably dozens who were not able to overcome the hardships that life threw at them. So we want to talk about making your life that golden exception.
Your comments on this are greatly appreciated. Cliff’s List is the collective efforts of men to help each other become more successful with women, so your ideas, suggestions, observations and insights are important as this is the place to share them.