1. The Approach Mindset
Before we begin, I want to congratulate you.
Yes, congratulations. You’re probably thinking “Uhm… What did I do?” And rightfully so. However, by simply beginning to read this article, you’ve already taken a huge step in mastering the mental Kung-fu involved in getting your dating life handled.
It all starts with a decision
This is the key that will separate you from the masses of men. I actually mean it. Every time I’ll be out and about and will notice a jaw dropping stunner walking down the street/ leaning by the bar/ waiting for the bus – you name it, I know exactly what to do to speak to her, make a connection and see her again. What shocks me however, is that every time I do, there is always a guy or two standing there, staring at me. I hear these men mutter all the time “I wish I could do that”.
That’s not you any longer. You’ve made that decision. No longer will you be the lonely boy standing on the sidelines like a cheerleader. You’ve decided to join the ranks of men who take what they want out of life. And for that, I commend you.
The first bit of wisdom I want to share with you is that all of this is normal!
Those men standing by telling me “I wish I can do that” have no idea that they can! You had no idea up until this point that you can talk to any beautiful woman, regardless of the situation! And not only that – that it is entirely and totally normal!
Turn on your TV and what do you see? Oh an episode of friends? Ross keeps complaining about his date that went awful last night, while Joey is getting ready to leave to meet his date of the night. Maybe Friends wasn’t your generation. How I Met Your Mother? Ted just got a phone number from one of the cute girls in the hallway at school, all the while Barney is going up to every girl in the bar talking and getting blown out.
If you’re an adult, socially adjusted person with likes and passions and activities, dating is normal. Understanding and accepting this will make all the difference in your day to day.
It all comes down to one thing: giving yourself permission. Most men do not do what I do because they do not give themselves permission to do so.
Essentially, Mastering your Mental Kung Fu is about finally giving yourself permission to go talk to that girl! It’s about giving yourself permission to be attracted to someone, to put yourself on the line and to express yourself freely.
Remember, this is all normal! It’s what normal adults do – they date. So give yourself permission to cross the street, stop that beautiful woman, and tell her you wanted to meet her!
But now you’ll tell me that fear holds you back.
2. How To Get Rid Of Approach Anxiety
Fuck approach anxiety. Sincerely and seriously fuck that stupid made up nonsense term that some rich moron living in LA coined. Seriously.
There’s a Buddhist parable that goes like this:
Student: “Master, please help me. My mind is such a problem!” Master: “Okay, show me this mind. Where is it?” Student: “I do not know”. Master: “Then it does not exist”. Student achieves enlightenment.
What is this approach anxiety you are talking about? Its made-up nonsense. When you see a beautiful woman, a flush of emotions is released at the base of your stomach, just above your crotch. Within a second it shoots upward and envelops your entire body, however, within about three seconds, your mind kicks in and you start to rationalize; “What if she has a boyfriend? What if she doesn’t like me or has a boyfriend? What if she rejects me and everyone will laugh at me? What will others think? She looks busy anyway. I’m in a hurry and will be late for my meeting”. So that pure beautiful raw energy is taken over and your body begins to clench up, your knees feel weak, your throat gets tight and a pressure builds in your chest.
This is not a logical process
You’ve already given yourself permission to be that guy. You are the type of guy who goes after what he wants, so you no longer need to worry about it. You no longer need to think about nonsense like what others think of you (“I like girls, so what?”). You no longer need to worry about whether or not she has a boyfriend (“Well either way, have a wonderful day!”). Excuses are just that – excuses.
No, instead, work on your feeling. Let’s re-brand that feeling that takes place in your stomach when you see a beautiful woman. From now on, it’s called excitement!
Ahhhh excitement. How magical! How romantic! I love excitement! When I’m going out to meet friends, I’m excited! When trying out a new restaurant, I’m excited. When I see a beautiful woman, it’s like a refreshing wave of excitement that overtakes my entire body. I have to find out who she is to have that kind of effect over me!
Fuck Approach Anxiety.
3. Why Pick Up Lines Don’t Work
Now you’re nice and pumped. I can feel that energy off you! You can hardly contain yourself. “Lemme at em! Where are these lovely ladies that can and should become a part of my life?”
Slow down there Speed Racer. You’ve probably heard tons of stupid recycled pick up lines you think might work, and they have become your go-to when speaking to women. I’m going to tell you right now that you will only hurt your chances if you use those lines. Hear me out for a second will you?
Okay, first, let’s go over catcalling.
Listen carefully… No one in the history of cat calling has ever gotten laid off a cat call. Like ever.
Glad that’s been taken care of.
Now as for lines… Look mate, when you use stupid lines, you are assuming that women are stupid.
Women get hit on every single day from the time they’re 16 well until their 40’s. How on earth do you expect to fool her? In fact, why would you even try? The fact of the matter is that men who use lines are men who haven’t truly given themselves permission to be men. Why? Because a real man, a gogetter, does not need an excuse to talk to a beautiful girl!
4. Direct vs. Indirect Approach
So now we’re at the classicdebacle; “What’s better, direct or indirect?” And my answer is… none of them.
On the one hand, this indirect stuff is bullshit. You don’t care who lies more and you sure as hell know that there’s Starbucks on every corner.
Direct on the other hand is not really being direct at all. It’s a step in the right direction but it also ends up being another easy line. “Oh hi you’re pretty”. Oh wow, so original!
Authenticity is the key!
Just be real, man. I know you hate people telling you to “just be yourself” because you have been for years and that hasn’t worked. But I’m here to tell you that you haven’t. Every time you try to think of something to say, you are not being yourself. Every time you are trying to impress her, you are not being yourself. Every time you make her the measure of how good you feel about yourself, you are not being yourself.
That’s some deep stuff brother, re-read that above sentence as many times until it sinks in.
Authenticity bypasses the debate entirely! If you noticed her funny scarf, tell her you love her scarf! If all you noticed is that she looks incredible, tell her she looks incredible! If you really want to know where the nearest Starbucks is, ask her where the nearest Starbucks is.
Direct? Indirect? You tell me.
When in doubt though, the greatest, simplest, be-all end-all opener is and forever will be:
“Hi. I wanted to meet you”
I can’t even begin to tell you the incredible stories and passionate adventures that were made possible by simply uttering those two sentences. It’s completely authentic, completely straightforward and completely void of any presumption. I give myself permission to show up, I am a man, she is a woman, it’s normal for me to find her beautiful, and I want to meet this girl.
She can take it or leave it, but I am doing my part and showing up.
5. 4 Biggest Mistakes When Speaking to Women
Eye contact: This one is key. Eye contact will not help make you more attractive – it is what makes you attractive in the first place. So be sure to have your eyes looking deep into hers, and not darting around nervously.
Slow it down: I’ve seen guys get incredibly nervous when approaching a woman, so they overcompensate by jumping out at her, yelling out a compliment or just generally being overly hyper. Chill. Breathe deep from your belly and relax. This is normal. Most people are friendly, just talk to her like you’ve known her for years.
Stop her: I’ve seen so many guys walk by a woman and creepily follow her while saying their piece. I don’t open my mouth until she is stopped and her full attention is directed at me. None of this trailing after her like a lost puppy nonsense.
Taking too long: Stop overthinking this! It’s just a girl. You see her? You want her? Walk right up to her, right now. Don’t follow her down 3 blocks while you think of something to say. The goal is to be as authentic as possible, and take action long before you have time to let your fear take over. So you see her? Take a deep breath and start walking.
6. The Most Effective Way To Approach Any Woman
Okay, now for the practical steps and piecing it all together:
• When you see a beautiful woman, do not think, instead, feel. Let your desire for her take over, let that feeling rise up from your belly and spread all over your body. Feel excited! Don’t resist it.
• Place your attention in your feet. Just start to walk – left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Before you know it, you’ve caught up to her. • If she is walking, gently place your hand on her arm. Do not grab her, gently.
• Plant your feet on the ground, she will usually stop and look at you at this point.
• Look into her eyes, a slight smile is fine, no smile is just fine as well. Now say exactly what you were thinking. If you noticed how stylish she looks, tell her: “You look so incredibly stylish, I wanted you to know that.” If you noticed how stunning she looked, be sure to tell her: “You look stunning! Who are you?”. The point is to be as you are.
• Extend your hand and introduce yourself. When she gives you her hand, hold on for a just a little while longer than is normally expected. If she holds back, it’s usually a pretty good sign that she likes you. • Congrats, now you are talking to a beautiful lady.
Approaching is deceptively simple. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that it isn’t. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you need to take some fancy approaching course and do all kinds of Olympic feats to approach a beautiful woman. Women are everywhere, and talking to beautiful women is something normal men do.
Remember what Hitch said: “No woman ever leaves the house thinking I don’t want to get swept off my feet today”.
To your success gentlemen.