How pickup artists spend the New Year.

26 (aka Barry Kirkey):
Twentysix Gets a FB

(Reposted from mASF with permission of the author. Thanks to Style for pointing this one out also.)

I laid a girl again ! However, I didn’t fucking blow my load again…and we fucked 3 times. Either condoms fucking suck … I have mental anxiety and need to calm down … or I’m a homo, like Gunwitch said.

Ok, I’ll start from the top.


I was to meet her for coffee at 7:30 PM Thursday. I almost got there late. This is something I gotta work on … clock management.

I walk in and HBSmallFry is sitting there reading. I see her from afar and notice that I have to drop her status from a 6.5 to a 6. I walk over and sit down.

26: Did you recognize me ?

HBSmallFry: Yes, of course … there’s barely anyone in here.

26: Of course you noticed me, I’m the most handsome guy in here.

Then I sat down and busted her balls because she gave me crappy directions. It was all good. She dug it. So, we fluffed a bit and I went to buy a drink. She already had a coffee. The only fluids I drink are water and plain soy milk. So, I go to buy a water, but they don’t have any bottled water. The Starbucks guy starts to get me tap water, but I didn’t want that because I’d look like a lamo with HBSmallFry. So I make a crucial mistake and get some apple juice. We’ll get to this.I come back and we fluff a bit more…I’m throwing in a lot of cocky / funny, as she is. She likes to tease a lot, so I have to come back with stuff frequently. Good practice.

HBSmallFry: Is that apple juice ?

26: Yeah. Why ? Are you against apples ?

HBSmallFry: Oh my God, that’s like a little kid’s drink (she’s 30 years old.)

26: (Thinking: Fuck, she’s right, this does look lame.) No it isn’t, I like apple juice.

HBSmallFry: It’s just so strange lol.

26: Yeah, real nice…goof on me for drinking apple juice.

I was dabbing prepared material in between our fluff. This is fucking wicked if I get dead silence because I always have something to bring the convo back…and yes, I was ending convos and seeing if she would restart, which she would.Here’s some of the prepared shit I used during our coffee meet: ESP Game, The Cube, Cold Palm Reading. She was in to all of it. Especially the Palm Reading. However, during the palm reading, she would kinda get goofy and giggly, paying less attention, so I turned the palm reading from serious to comedy (thanks TD or whoever posted this idea):

26: Hmm, I see a career in Wal-Mart for you ?

HBSmallFry: (Laughing) Really ? A greeter ?

26: No…Store Manager !

HBSmallFry: lol !

26: Manager of the Sports section of Wal-Mart !

HBSmallFry: lol ! (Does a few more goofs with the palm reading.)

I’m thinking wow…this isn’t that funny…she must really like me !

Somehow we get in to a conversation about house work. She says that she hates doing house work. She says her house isn’t the cleanest. Says she likes to eat in bed and let crumbs fall everywhere. I set up a picture in her head and goof on her living environment. I tell her that she probably has giant dust bunnies the size of hay bushels in her apartment. That she has underwear hanging off the TV antenna. That she had crumb piles the size of mountains on both sides of her bed. I know this all isn’t funny, but she’s digging it.

It starts to snow like crazy outside. The Starbucks guy comes over and tells us we have to leave because the store is closed.

26: Let’s go get a movie. (Thanks TD)

HBSmallFry: Ok. We can do something

26: (Thinking: What ? Fuck. I want to watch a movie at your house so I can try to have sex with you.)

We walk to my car. I hold her hand on the way. I start driving. She starts getting a bit freaky because there’s so much snow and the driving conditions are horrible. So I start playfully pretending like I’m gonna crash (ongoing theme.) She’s getting more freaky, but she likes it. (Dudes, if I never found this site I would never be doing stuff like this. Seriously. I would be lame and polite … huge-time AFC. Thanks.)

26: Where are we going ?

HBSmallFry: To the movies.

26: (Thinking: Fuck. She thinks I want to go to the movies. How do I get out of this ? I don’t want to perform this huge AFC move.)

HBSmallFry: It’s just around here.

26: (Thinking: Get out of this 26.) I meant, let’s rent a movie.

HBSmallFry – Oh. Sure, we can do that, but you have to hook up my VCR to my TV, I don’t know how to do it.

26 – Sure. (I’m fucking horrible with basic electronic scenarios like this.)

So we go and get a movie. We rent Insomnia.

HBSmallFry: Are you hungry ? Because I don’t have anything to eat at my house.

26: No. I’ll just eat from the giant piles of crumbs you have on your floor.

HBSmallFry: (Really laughing) My house isn’t that messy !

We drive back to her place. It ends up taking a long while to find a parking spot. In the middle of looking she says she’s tired. I ignore this comment and keep good convo going…the word “tired” is never brought up again.

Her Place

I’m thinking this is gonna be good because we’ve been holding hands for the last while. And she’s laughing at everything I say.

I hook up her VCR to her TV and then I sit on the sofa. I got a pretty legit boner going on now. You know that kind of rock-hardness where you got the pre-cum dabbing your underoos !

She comes over and sits beside me. Then she says she wants the spot I’m in.

HBSmallFry: I like the end seat.

26: I like that seat too (playfully.)

We laugh about it and I move. I figure it’s cool to move here. What am I gonna do ? Tell her she can’t sit where she wants ?

She sits right right beside me and she brings her blanket on the sofa. She puts it over herself, and as she does this I put it over me, too. So, we’re pressed side-to-side to each other (with a blanket.) I’m thinking: This fucking rocks big time ! I love this shit. Her hand was exposed, so I put my hand on hers. I know some of you might be like, “Jesus, this is juvenile fagotry.” Well, I don’t care…this is a new cool world for me…so please fuck off.

So, what was I saying…yes…her hand was exposed and I put my hand on top of hers. Note: Early in our convo at the coffee shop, she told me that she hates it when she watches movies with people and they talk to her throughout it. I agreed with her (even though this doesn’t bother me.) So, I thought, hmm…should I talk with her during this movie ? I tested and did…she didn’t care.

For the whole movie the kino progressed higher and higher. She was rubbing my arms with her fingernails. I was feeling her cold toes and goofing on her for having really cold toes, but having really, really warm legs…I said she wasn’t a normal human being…bullshit stuff. I was also rubbing her arms ! This is fun to do !

She then takes her legs out and stretches them out over me. Her dress gets hiked up to her vagina area. My hands are under the sheets, so I start rubbing her legs…I progress higher up and up the legs. I was very high ! And it was cool because one of her legs was pressed up against my juicy rock-hard cock … she definitely felt the hardness. She was also putting her hand up the arm part of my short sleeve shirt. Basically, it was all systems go !

However, I didn’t kiss her throughout the whole movie. Why ? I guess I was chicken because of her comments from before…fuck, I know I could have from what was going on…lesson learned. On the other hand…this long lasting kino (and cocky / funny talk) throughout the movie turned both of us on more and more. I swear to God it was vital.

After the movie credits roll up I put my hand on her chin and turn her face to me and kiss her. She’s totally into it. Within 5 seconds she’s really into it. Like she’s really really being aggressive with the kissing. I’m thinking “This is soooo fucking cool !” It’s on !

She starts lying down and I’m on top kissing her. I start kissing her neck. She’s moaning and shit. She gets up…

HBSmallFry: Is it ok for me to touch you now.

Then I took off my shirt. Then she started kissing and feeling my chest. This was cool ! I take her shirt off. Now she’s just wearing a bra. And her dress is hiked up really high. I feel her boobies ! We kiss and feel some more.

HBSmallFry: Let’s go to my bed, it’s more comfortable to do this stuff there.

26: (Thinking: I’m gonna fucking have sex tonight !)

The Bedroom

All right…so we get to her bed…it’s on ! We continue to make-out all hardcore and shit. Oh yeah…it was fun…I am smiling writing this. Her dress is hiked up pretty high…I take off my belt. I make out with her a little more. I take off my pants…leaving my boxer brief undies on…mmm. I pull her dress off. We are there making out in our undies ! In our fucking undies, can you believe this, my mASF brothers !

So, I’m kissing her and feeling her boobies, ass and the whole shebang ! I was kissing her neck a lot and she was totally digging that.

Now, as you all know, I am just getting into this whole sex thing. Even kissing. She was biting my lips / tongue and shit…I was totally digging that. As funny as all this may seem, I am learning so much. So she’s feeling my rock hard schlong through my undies…I’m doing some vagina rub downs too. It’s all good ! We’re grinding and all that shit.

Now, she still has her bra on. I have no clue how to take off bras. So, I just didn’t bother to take it off. I just left it on and figured she’d eventually take it off, which later she did.

Side Note I plan to learn to take off bras soon. What I’m gonna do it take one of my mom’s bras and tie it around a poll or something, then like pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey I’m gonna walk towards the poll blindfolded, reach the bra and then try to undo it. A lot of you are probably goofing on me for writing that or you may not be taking me seriously, but I am dead serious. That is a legit way to learn…and you know it’ll work too.

Where was I ? Oh yeah, she takes off her bra. Then I take off my underwear. Then I take off her underwear. Then we’re totally like making out and shit…then I put on a condom. Then we fuck ! Like the last time…I fucked and fucked and fucked beyond belief…probably around 25 to 30 minutes straight. I was very hard and luscious. But like my first time … again … .I can’t spunk a load. I couldn’t fucking do it. I hate this shit … seriously. I really want to blow it during sex.

I never knew I’d adore the tight grip I use for masturbating. I have to admit…masturbating is pretty cool because it’s tighter. However, I think I’m not blowing my load for the following reasons: 01. Condoms give me no sensation 02. I have these Sheik “Long Lasting” condoms (something I obviously don’t need) 03. I have mental problems (nervousness, anxiety.)

So, she wants to stop because she’s getting sore…I’m cool with this because I’m having trouble orgasming. So, we just laid there for a while…we held each other. You know what ? I like just chilling out with a girl and lying there in bed with her holding each other. It’s fucking cool and relaxing. I really like this. I like sex too (or at least trying to blow my spunk) but chilling out and lying in bed like this is fun. I know your main question to me now: “26, why didn’t you masturbate with your penis after sex ?” I don’t know. I just didn’t.

You know what else I did ? I fingered her ! This was fun. The inside of a vagina feels really cool…not what I thought it would feel like. It feels very organized. I fingered her because I didn’t want to give her oral…she was willing to let me do it, but I was scared about disease. At this point (knowing her for one night) I feel this is a legit concern. What do you guys think ?

Then we had sex again. I had a shitty problem here. I couldn’t get as hard as I was before. Has anyone ever had this problem ? Like I was 70 per cent of the hardness I was from before. I literally had to jerk it a bit to get more aroused so I’d be hard enough.

26: Do you have any hand cream ?

HBSmallFry: Yeah, in the bathroom.

26: I’m gonna grab some to get me started

So, I sit on the end of the bed and smack my schlong around a bit. Then I have sex with her.

So, I’m banging her right ? We’re going for about 8 to 10 minutes…then my penis gets softer…it comes out of the vagina and it’s not hard enough to go back in.

26: (Thinking: What the fuck ? Why am I not hard ? This is fucking bullshit) Sorry, I just need some time…I must be a bit nervous or something.

HBSmallFry: You weren’t nervous before (playfully).

26: I know.

She didn’t care. She then started licking my chest and shit…man, I don’t know exactly what she was doing…but it was turning me on. Ok, I need some advice here…I still have my condom on…I’m 40 per cent hard. I then get hard again…from cuddling and shit…I go back in with the same condom…is this safe ?

To carry on…again I got soft…I had to stop…this might have happened one more time, I can’t remember. Oh yeah, oral stuff…she starts giving me some oral pleasure…but not a full BJ…just some starter stuff. It was weird, it didn’t feel that great…like I saw her head near my penis and I’m thinking: Is she sucking it or is she not ? I couldn’t tell. But it was cool when my balls were licked. You fuckers are lucky I’m writing about all this shit. Feel free to jerk off.

So I sleep over…I only got like 2 hours sleep for the whole night. We were kinoing each other a lot. And it’s obviously hard to sleep in a foreign environment. I slept on a feather pillow or some shit and I got an eye infection the next day cause of it … allergies. I had to go to the doctor…the whole deal. I have eye-drops now !

So, in the morning we’re fooling around and I finger her and then fuck her again. I had the same problem as before…I couldn’t get really hard, like I was 70 per cent. And putting on that condom…what a buzz kill…it’s like, yeah, I’m all-hard and shit and then I gotta put this thing on ? Sometimes it’s hard to get on and then the boner loses its power. Then I Westside Glazed her ! Then she gave me a Blumpkin ! Seriously here…so at this point I haven’t blown a load yet. So, I tell her I’m gonna finish myself off. I grab some lube and pound out a batch, while she sucked my balls. I shot a pretty wild load !

HBSmallFry – Just out for an innocent coffee. (happy) Did you plan this ? (playfully)

26 – No. (Thinking: Yes.)

So that’s basically it. We chilled out a little longer and then I drove home. What’s the status now ? I went out with her again on Sunday. Good times !

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