It seems to be the most popularly spouted nugget of advice, offered up by clueless dating coaches, and many women alike…“Man, just be yourself.”
What the fuck does this mean??
If this was easily understood, and easy to implement, then everyone would already be living a happy and successful life.
Who you are is a very fluid concept, with many past, present, and future variables. Such as whether you define yourself by your past experiences, or by your future expectations.
The best answer to the above question is not “Be yourself,” but rather…
“Be your PRESENT self” – This is who you are right now. In this moment as you live and breathe. Not who you think you were, and definitely not who you think you may be. It’s all mental masturbation.
This is the cause of many image and identity problems with men. Huge confusion in how they should be conducting themselves in their lives.
“Yourself” is not the work you do, nor the objects you currently own. You are not your material belongings. If they were all taken away, what do you have left? YOURSELF!
Be yourself, in the present!
When I say be your present self, I am referring to how you are feeling internally RIGHT NOW. Both emotionally and physically.
If you are familiar with my teachings and message, you will be very aware that the basis of my teaching comes from my own past damage and pain. I refuse to ever return to that, and even though I may not know you personally, I NEVER want you, as an immeasurably valuable human being, to EVER go through what I have. I’m here to help you, out of nothing but love.
I can only teach you what I have experienced, and I promise not to even attempt to offer advice on anything else. I stand strong by this. I shan’t steer you wrong.
My biggest fear with not only women, but people in general, was showing how I was feeling in any given moment.
I spent my teens and early twenties strapping on fake smiles, even though I was imploding inside. This is the opposite to being yourself. I was hiding.
Being your present self is not about being nice, making fake conversation, or trying to impress/prove yourself to others.
That is the opposite to being yourself.
I stumbled upon the present self, and the effect it has on others…especially women, when I decided to give up trying to be someone who I was not, many years ago.
I was always ill from constant internal stress, which was completely down to myself, trying to have everyone like me.
I had 500 different personalities, all depending on whom I was speaking with. I had no concept of who I was.
Lost in a sea of confusion and turmoil.
I was depressed on a daily basis, and suffered greatly from social anxiety. Being around people used to make me so scared and sick. Even thinking back now, makes me feel so guilty for what I put myself through. I didn’t deserve such pain, and neither do you.
Most people are ok with not being fully happy, and putting up with the mentality of simple “getting by” in life. I am here to tell you, YOU CAN BE FREE! You are stopping yourself.
I eventually hit my breaking point, and made the commitment to stop trying to prove myself to others. To stop being who I thought they expected me to be, and search for myself. Unapologetically.
How did I achieve this? Well…I promised myself, I would wear my heart on my sleeve. If I felt sad…I behaved sad. If I was depressed, I would be depressed. If I was nervous…I would be nervous. If I was angry…I would show it and/or say it.
You get the point.
I was only ONE person with everyone. This one person, was me, Chris. The real me. The greatest gift of this realization was discovering that I have many different and unique parts of me, that make up the full package. We all do. We are infinitely amazing beings…but you must allow yourself to.
I stopped caring about the opinions of others, and decided life was too short to be this miserable.
My mission, was to find myself, through embracing my PRESENT SELF (i.e. how I was feeling at this exact moment in time, and own it).
I would check in with myself as much as possible every day, closing my eyes, taking a deep breath, and asking myself the question: “How AM I feeling right now?” I still do this every day.
I am actually going to do this now as I am typing this, excuse me…..
Answer: My eyes are stinging a little from being on the laptop, which means I must come off it the second I finish this. I feel tired from working in this one position for 6 hours (which means I will do yoga when I am finished this), I can feel this in my chest area in the form of some heaviness, but generally I feel grounded and calm from my meditation session earlier. My feet are warm and firmly placed on the ground beneath me.
Thankfully I have made myself aware, therefore I am connected to myself on all aspects. Right now, I am my Present self. No lies. Just authenticity. Total congruence.
One of the most awesome things about doing this, is it builds the awareness to know when to stop something which may be damaging you, which is why I will do yoga in a while. If I was not aware of this, I would continue obliviously, until I got so unbalanced that the uncomfortability would get so big, it would over-ride my autopilot. That is when the damage has been done, and is much harder to balance up. This works for everything, physical, and emotional.
People walk around in their daily life completely blind to themselves and life. This really stops you from being spontaneous and living a life of instinctual passion.
I urge you to do this as many times you can every day. During interactions, meetings, travel etc. It really reminds you where you are, and gives you that sacred moment to click back in to your body, and say, “Whoops, here I am, I had forgotten for a moment.”
This exercise builds the MOST IMPORTANT quality for attracting, seducing, and connecting deeply with women and people…Presence. It builds your presence.
I always tell men, the greatest gift you can give the women of the room you are in, is your deep, masculine presence, and you do this first through your internal awareness.
Otherwise you will fall into the other category; the headless chicken type male, who is on autopilot, making no conscious or purposeful decisions in his life, living in his thoughts. This man cannot even make decisions without locking up.
So, stop trying to figure out who you are and what you want at this moment.
Bring it back down to earth and check in with how you FEEL right now, then be ok with expressing that unapologetically. This is how I found my true self, which was buried under so many other characters I had created out of fear.
As soon as I started to acknowledge his existence…he came to the surface and solidified me, as me. I was then able to experience who I was, and what I want. It is an ever changing ebb and flow. Like water. Own it!
This is you being yourself!!!
Once you have reached that point, then it is time to start applying the simple principles and intentions I coach men in, to effortlessly seduce, connect with, and have lifelong relationships with the women they desire.