This post is a result of my brain churning after reading another thread on the topic, and re-reading Robert B. Cialdini’s Science and Practice.


This post is a result of my brain churning after reading another thread on the topic, and re-reading Robert B. Cialdini’s Science and Practice.

Should we pay for her or not? There are different situations and different answers for different people, and that’s not what this post is about.

What this is about is the original reasoning behind the ‘not paying for her‘ concept.

As many PUA’s are aware, many of the top guru’s have referenced this book at some point or another – Mystery, RJ, Style, David D – just to name a few. And after reading the whole book again at this point in my PU life, I can easily see where many of them developed a lot of their concepts from it. This is not a book recommendation, but seriously, read the damn thing already if you haven’t!

Maybe this could clear some things up.

In Chapter 2, Cialdini talks about the reciprocation rule. Basically, the rule is if you do something for me, you will expect that I eventually do something for you back. It is human nature derived from evolution where people found survival much easier when they shared resources with others.

However, what has been found, is that if you do something for me, I will feel the need to not only to repay the resources, but to CONTINUE to repay even to the point where it is no longer equal. Cialdini says that compliance professionals have become quite adept at exploiting this.

He references the Hare Krishna, who, after being low on funds, would give ‘free’ flowers to passers-by at airports, only to then ask them for a small ‘donation’ in return. How many of us have grown weary of the free lunch or realized that nothing in this world is for free.

He even quotes a female student of his who always refuses guys who ask her if they could buy her a drink because she feels that if she accepts, she feels that through the rule of reciprocity, that she would have to ‘give back’ by becoming sexual with him. That she would be ‘indebted’ to him.

So, for the guys who offer dinner, drinks, gifts – they are basically offering, through the rule of reciprocity, trading resources for sex.

What this means for us PUAs:

It means nothing, and a lot. Many of us use the advice of offering her ‘I’ll pay for this, you pay for the next thing we do.’ I fully agree with this method for a lot of reasons. First, instead of trying to receive sex from her as something that we ‘get’ and they, the women ‘give’, we are still simply trading resource for resource, while at the same time, we are building our RELATIONSHIP together that we both can SHARE.

Sex is something that we both enjoy together, and is an expression of our feelings, attraction, comfort, etc.

Resources are simply resources.

At the same time, as many have pointed out, it’s important that we do not appear ‘cheap’ by not paying. If we do not have resources to give, then we cannot protect our offspring later on.

So, for me, it doesn’t matter who pays what, what matters is the FRAME. The FRAME for me that works, or rather that converts to lays or relationships or whatever, is that the girl and I are in this thing together. If she drives to come see me, I’ll pay for the dinner. Then she can pay for desert, etc. It’s a shared world that we are creating where not one person has more valuable sex to give than the other. The sex will flow naturally when it is time, and it is something that we will share, when it feels right. Ironically, sex comes much quicker with this attitude.

In other words, I wouldn’t worry about who pays what for when. That concept was a big one for me when I first read David D’s stuff four years ago. Now that I understand the theory behind it, that rule is changeable depending on the circumstance. It is not ‘supplicating’ if the girl has already invested her resources in me.

In other words, focus on the FRAME of the interaction rather than the little bitty details.

Is it ON? Are you CONNECTING on a wide range of topics? Are you switching locations seamlessly and effortlessly? Does it feel like you’ve known each other forever?

Focus on that stuff. The rest is chump change.

I hope this clears things up. At least, this is the way it works for me.

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Cliff’s List is a place for men to become more successful. Where you can connect with other men in your community, around the world. Get advice from the world’s experts on seduction, dating and relationships.

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